Finding Myself.

Howdy friends. (Yes I just said howdy. Deal with it.)
So from my last blog post, it’s clear that my mental health took a dip. Which really isn’t surprising, but anyways, to my point. Self care has been a very important thing for me these past few weeks. Forcing myself out of bed, treating myself to ice cream, watching the women’s Brazil volleyball team kick ASS. Doing things that make me feel like me.

Those moments are important, and special for me. These are the days that I’m connected with myself again. The days that I’m doing things that bring me joy, and that fight the anxiety & panic attacks. These are the days I’m reminded of who I was, and am, before the anxiety took control. Before the anxiety changed me. I’m always anxious, it’s just an everyday thing for me now. But I’m able to feel relaxed. I’m able to smile and enjoy the moment, I’m not consumed by the anxiety.

Enjoying life is a hard thing. I’ve recently had someone tell me that I focus so much on the negatives, and I 100% agree but it is so ridiculously hard not to.  It feels like the one thing in your body that is supposed to be on your side, is against you. Your brain is supposed to be your guide, it’s supposed to be on your fucking side for crying out loud.
To my point, being told that I focus on the negatives was an eyeopener for me. It made me realize that I haven’t been doing things that make me happy. I’ve been so consumed by my mental illness that I haven’t been doing the things that make me, me.

SO. I am making a list of things that make me happy, that make my heart happy, and that make me, ME.

  • Mint chocolate chip ice cream
  • Vanilla milkshakes
  • Volleyball
  • The smell of freshly cut grass
  • The smell of rain
  • Laughing
  • Hearing other people’s laughter
  • Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
  • Sunflowers
  • Cheesy pinterest quotes
  • Disney music (Camp Rock & HSM)
  • Driving around late at night belting out tunes without giving a shit about anything else
  • My freckles in the summer
  • Ball caps
  • Baked goods. FUCKING YUM.
  • Seeing a butt ton of selfies on Insta of all my beautiful friends
  • Spinach Dip
  • Documentaries
  • Conspiracy theories

I could honestly go on for ages about things that make me happy, but I’m going to stop here. My point is, these things got lost as my anxiety progressed. I’ve really lost myself as my anxiety has taken over, and I’m trying to find myself again. I’m doing things for me, even if that means getting ice cream 3 times a week to try different flavours.

I encourage you to write a list of things that make you happy. That make your heart want to jump out of your chest. It’s a very good reminder of who you are, and what makes you the person behind your mental illness. We aren’t our mental illness, it’s as simple as that. We’re all people fighting to get through the day, and sometimes we need reminders as to why we’re still kickin’.

As random as this blog post was, I hope I’ve done a good job at explaining what I mean. I think that it’s so imporant to remind yourself of what has gotten you this far, and what will keep you going. I know that the negatives outweigh the positives right now. Trust me, I get it. Use the list as a way to remind yourself of things that bring you happiness. Write a list, and then when you’re feeling like you can’t keep going, go and get your favourite ice cream. Or go watch your favourite movie with friends that make you feel loved. Use it as a way to balance the negatives. Use it as a reminder. Use it in anyway that will help you.

Stay safe friends.


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