I’m just gonna get into it. My medication got upped – again. *rolls eyes repeatedly.* I am now on 80 mg’s of Prozac & 10 mg’s, twice a day, of Buspirone. I mean, all I really need is another medication or two added in the mix and you could consider me a personal anxiety pharmacy.
Basically, how the appointment went is I took this screening test bullshit thing, that measures where my anxiety is and anything over 70 means “extremely elevated.” I scored a 73. *again rolls eyes at self.* There was another doctor there, I didn’t catch his name but he was hot – so that was nice. As I’m taking this screening test, my head doctor is telling #2 (we will refer to him as hot doctor from now on) about how I’ve been seeing him for 2+ years now, and that he’s been unsuccessful in helping chill my fuckin anxiety out. Hot doctors first suggestion was to up my meds. So thats what we did. My doc was telling me how he’s only ever gone this high for somebody one other time, he was saying that his anxiety & OCD were completely controlling his life.
And I mean, at this point my GAD & panic disorder are completely controlling who I am, and what I do. At times its literally paralyzing. I’m having panic attacks at the most inconvenient times, because you know – they’re supposed to happen at convenient times. *rolls eyes until they get permanently stuck in my fucking head.*
Life update time, lol i have anxiety. The fuck you think???
Ok I mean, I dunno life is life. I miss volleyball. I miss my friends back home. I miss my family back home. Life with anxiety is hard, it’s a new struggle everyday. It’s a new thing to be anxious about. It’s never just a regular day. There is always somethin buggin, always something in the back of my brain begging to be pushed forward, it’s fucking awful. I am being honest when I say, life has sucked lately. Life sucks with anxiety, because I make a complete fool of myself at the worst possible times.
I can be having a great time, I’ll be out enjoying myself doing whatever and then all of a sudden something hits me. My stomach knots up, my forearms get heavy, and my hands get warm & sweaty. I dunno, life has been frustrating. Because of my leg, I’m not able to do a lot of things that I want to do. I can’t really workout, and I can’t go for long walks as my leg gets sore very fast, I (shouldn’t) go out to the bars & dance and what not because when I wake up my leg hurts like a bitch. I dunno, and then you have the social aspect, with my anxiety & such and I JUST SUCK AT BEING A HUMAN. Or a properly functioning human I should say.
SO YA THIS IS MY LIFE. (I really badly want to quote the perks of being a wallflower right now, wow. I am a loser.) I am still strugglin’ with anxiety. Still extremely frustrated with myself for letting my anxiety get this bad. u know, livin the dream rly.
Friends, if you’re like me and you’re feeling alone just know that there are resources out there. There are people that care for you. You may just have to dig a little deeper, and as hard as it is (TRUST ME I FUCKIN KNOW!!!) it will be worth it in the end. We’re fighting our battles, you’re not alone in the fight. Keep pushing.
Take care of yourselves pals.