I’ve been able to sit & think these last few days, and the conclusion that I’ve come to is simple. I’m really fuckin’ lonely. I look around me, and either all of my friends are 3.5+ hours away, or they’re non existent. Sure, I have acquaintances. I haven’t known them for very long, and I’ll go & party with them or whatever, but I don’t necessarily trust them just yet. Which whatever.
But I mean, I don’t have anybody that texts me to check in on me. I don’t have anybody that worries about me. You know, that sorta stuff. Everybody that was important to me a year ago has either given up on me, or walked out of my life and found “someone better.” Or so that’s how it feels anyways. And it’s the worst feeling thinking that people have quit on you. It consumes every thought you have. “Why wasn’t I better? What could I have done differently?” All while still trying to remain true to myself, and my boundaries.
Friends are a very difficult thing, or for me they are at least. I don’t trust easily, and I sure as hell am not super open about my current struggles. Past problems I’ve had, fuck I’m an open book. Ask me, and I’ll tell. And if you’re going through something similar, I’ll tell you what helped me. But I am very reserved when it comes to the struggles I face nowadays.
So yes, I am very lonely. I don’t feel like I have a person anymore. I don’t have somebody I can call and say, “Oh hey, I just need to talk on the phone with someone right now.” Or, “I need you. Come hold me. Please.” I don’t have that, and I mean maybe it’s partially my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t be so guarded, maybe I shouldn’t have such high boundaries. But, I feel like the right person, whether this be s/o or friend, will come along and they’ll work around my boundaries. They’ll be respectful of my reasons for being guarded. They won’t push me to do anything I’m not willing to do, they won’t ask me to answer questions I’m not comfortable with.
So this is me saying, yeah I’m pretty lonely so if you’re feelin the same way, you’re not the only lonely human. We can get through it palski. This post has been a complete & utter cluster fuck but this is my life right now, so fuckin deal with it.
I am going to go lay in bed now, take care of yourself friends.