So, I’ve written like 7 or 8 blog posts but I just have not been down for posting any of them because I feel like they’re total shit. Hell, I don’t even know if this one is going to go up. If you’re reading this, well I guess you figured out that I liked it somewhat enough to post it.
Real talk. I feel like my anxiety is killing me. It’s killing the person I used to be, the person I was becoming, the person I am right now. I don’t know who I am without anxiety, and it’s fucking consuming every last bit of me. If I could explain it, it’s like drowning. But instead of drowning in water, I’m drowning in my thoughts. In my own damn mind. I’m drowning within myself, and yet I am the only one who can pull myself out. I don’t know how. Not only am I drowning within my thoughts, I don’t know how to survive.
I am so frustrated, I felt like I was doing so well. I was making progress, and just as soon as I felt that my brain decided to go,
“HA got ya bitch.” And just like that, everything went crashing down around me. It sucks when you feel like you’re doing better, you think you’re making a difference for yourself, growing even. Suddenly, it just stops. You start getting more and more nervous. You have a harder time getting out of bed. You have a harder time showering. And then you start to clue in. You realize why the skin around your nails are basically raw. You realize why your hands are so sweaty when you’re grocery shopping. Fuck, you even realize why it took you an extra 15 minutes just to go into the damn store. You clue in to why your body hurts at the end of the day, why there are nail marks engraved in to your skin. You notice the shakiness of your hand when you write, the racing of your heart when you go outside. You notice everything, and it is fucking devastating.
You sit there and you fucking hate yourself. You hate yourself for allowing the anxiety to make its way back in to your life. You hate that you were weak enough to succumb to your goddamn mental illness. You sit there, consumed in your thoughts and realize that you are fucking failing. You’re not failing your sister, or your bestfriend, or your boyfriend – you are failing yourself. You’re failing, no matter how hard you try. No matter how much effort you put in, you can’t seem to overcome this.
So. Here I am. My anxiety has once again taken every inch of who I thought I was. I was doing so good, I was making so much progress and I have failed. Like I said at the beginning. I feel like my anxiety is killing me. Whether it be slowly from the inside out, or if it’s the fact that it’s killing who I am. My mind is destroying me, and I just don’t know who I am or what I am doing anymore.
With that, I think I’m going to end this abruptly. I don’t have much else to say other than I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed that I’m still struggling so hard. I’m disappointed that I’m not as strong as I thought I was.